re-redundancy redux
every night, every night;
the light, the light;
of might, of might;
flashes bright, flashes brightly;
on our father, on our fathers;
on our forefathers:
wwII again.
wwII on the tube.
watch our way, watch our way into glory!
[glory, not gory]
death, dying in the living room.
a life feeds, a life feeds on other lives...
remember when...remember when?
a world in black and white; a black and white world.
it's just war, a just war.
no 'maybe'; no 'maybe' in our might.
the might; our might and the zeit was right
for the last time; last time.
the last time our might was right....
...was wwII.
feels so good to view---
unless you were there,
out of the chair:
with no remote;
not remote,
but close.
up close,
close up
a long shot...
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
do anything once...twice if i don't remember....
a neurologist reading the following probably would suspect an episode...the theme of the week so far? i must do everything twice!
first: dmv. i planned to knock out my official conversion from being a massachusetts denizen to becoming a new jersey one, license and registration in one trip. not to be. pre-middle-aged me forgot the title [see 'third' below]. so only license it was---with an inevitably chubbier-faced picture...i extrapolate into the future, a visage fully engulfed by extra chins and jowels---and a hairline outsourced beyone the horizon. alas, registration had to wait for the next day...
second: returning the license plate...plates. went to the post office with only one to send back to taxachusetts [so that i can cancel my insurance there]...must...go...back home again, a second time [and i'm not even being redundant!]...#%$^#%...
third: excited to get a local library card----i think that this is the main reason i converted my license [avoiding the taxachusetts $1000 fine for not lining the pockets of the health insurance companies is a close second]...andy summers' well-wrought memoir, 'one train later', jumped out at me for the picking...scanning it over a diner dinner, so much seemed so familiar----even to the point of anticipating the specific language! some was...unfamiliar enough to make me think i never read it...ironic, since mr. summers seems to remember everything in fine detail, judging by his writing.
the jury's still out...and is apparently quite confused: i don't know if i've read this book or not!!! a first for me...a milestone i'm not proud of...
back home a second time....again....this also is the ur-theme of my boomerwranging back to live with my parents...family relationship, this lifetime, take two...
snap!
first: dmv. i planned to knock out my official conversion from being a massachusetts denizen to becoming a new jersey one, license and registration in one trip. not to be. pre-middle-aged me forgot the title [see 'third' below]. so only license it was---with an inevitably chubbier-faced picture...i extrapolate into the future, a visage fully engulfed by extra chins and jowels---and a hairline outsourced beyone the horizon. alas, registration had to wait for the next day...
second: returning the license plate...plates. went to the post office with only one to send back to taxachusetts [so that i can cancel my insurance there]...must...go...back home again, a second time [and i'm not even being redundant!]...#%$^#%...
third: excited to get a local library card----i think that this is the main reason i converted my license [avoiding the taxachusetts $1000 fine for not lining the pockets of the health insurance companies is a close second]...andy summers' well-wrought memoir, 'one train later', jumped out at me for the picking...scanning it over a diner dinner, so much seemed so familiar----even to the point of anticipating the specific language! some was...unfamiliar enough to make me think i never read it...ironic, since mr. summers seems to remember everything in fine detail, judging by his writing.
the jury's still out...and is apparently quite confused: i don't know if i've read this book or not!!! a first for me...a milestone i'm not proud of...
back home a second time....again....this also is the ur-theme of my boomerwranging back to live with my parents...family relationship, this lifetime, take two...
snap!
Monday, April 19, 2010
one-fourth self
We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves in order to be like other people.---Friedrich Nietzsche
so, i'm on a bit of a nietzsche kick....don't worry, shouldn't last long...but his aphorisms explode in my head [like a good aphorism should] and knock down the interwoven rows of dominos in there...
the above aphorism hits, literally, close to home...not even 'close'...it hits home directly, in several ways! carving my initials in the door of middle age while living in my parents' basement after inevitable life crash/bubble burst, i get to witness first hand the assumptions which helped to shape my character----assumptions that are as well-preserved today as they were 38 years ago. in essence, i moved back into the museum of my die cast, where my die was cast.
not in the mood now to air the dirty laundry list here, now, but just tonight when i told my dad, in response to his testy question, that full-time employment for me is a long way off [at least a year] and isn't that desireable anyway, he looked punched in the gut. i kicked him right in the world-view. and this was after i came home from a job interview---really, when dealing with my father, it's almost better not to do anything...then, at least, the potential is very high and has no earth upon which to crash down...
and i wonder where i got that trait from?
in my life, i've expended so much mental energy with the above and many other 'viruses' running and replicating in the background, taking up at least 75% of my being----i think nietzsche had the ratio about right for most of us. at least, meditation has helped me to claim some self back, but the task of self-reclamation is still seemingly impossible...or at least very entropic. perhaps this realization indicates progress on the path?
last year i took a workshop at kripalu---i think it was entitled, 'making life changes'...the psychologist moderator boiled it down, 'i'll save you thousands of dollars of therapy money: we usually don't make necessary changes in our lives because of fear: we're afraid of the success/failure continuum and/or we're afraid of being disowned by our friends and family.' this, she explained, is a vestige from when we were kids, when abandonment would mean actual death----adult life changes imply a symbolic death of your prior self....and perhaps entail an actual one, if you choose your change unwisely, of course...
not making a necessary change, i think, amounts to a three-quarters forfeit of self...no?
hits home...speaking of home....house...houses....homes....and the job one most likely needs to finance one...i look at houses and think....why would i sacrifice the remaining 25% of my self to buy a house the way most of them are currently made? living room? dining room? who needs them? seems to me that such 'function' rooms are inheritances from manor homes of british royalty who would've needed them for the practice of royalty's only full-time job: keeping up appearances...which, unfortunately, has tricked down, like everything does, to us plebs, unquestioned.
lawns, i know for a fact, have infiltrated our lives via the same process....hah....and most guys [hey, the word 'mister' was once a title for a landlord-----now, any schmuck is a 'mister'!] take supreme masculine delight in the upkeep of their lawns, even if the mexican immigrants do the actual work ['meeester? meeeeeester?']; perhaps they [american guys] wouldn't if they realized that americans won the right not to, 234 years ago...
so, i close with a visualization of my ideal dwelling...open plan.....efficient...lots of space and tools for tinkering and building and experimenting.....and...barn-like.....
oooooh....sounds expensive....better get cracking on that full-time job, with however much self i have remaining!!!!!
how much self do you have available? where are your self-leaks?
so, i'm on a bit of a nietzsche kick....don't worry, shouldn't last long...but his aphorisms explode in my head [like a good aphorism should] and knock down the interwoven rows of dominos in there...
the above aphorism hits, literally, close to home...not even 'close'...it hits home directly, in several ways! carving my initials in the door of middle age while living in my parents' basement after inevitable life crash/bubble burst, i get to witness first hand the assumptions which helped to shape my character----assumptions that are as well-preserved today as they were 38 years ago. in essence, i moved back into the museum of my die cast, where my die was cast.
not in the mood now to air the dirty laundry list here, now, but just tonight when i told my dad, in response to his testy question, that full-time employment for me is a long way off [at least a year] and isn't that desireable anyway, he looked punched in the gut. i kicked him right in the world-view. and this was after i came home from a job interview---really, when dealing with my father, it's almost better not to do anything...then, at least, the potential is very high and has no earth upon which to crash down...
and i wonder where i got that trait from?
in my life, i've expended so much mental energy with the above and many other 'viruses' running and replicating in the background, taking up at least 75% of my being----i think nietzsche had the ratio about right for most of us. at least, meditation has helped me to claim some self back, but the task of self-reclamation is still seemingly impossible...or at least very entropic. perhaps this realization indicates progress on the path?
last year i took a workshop at kripalu---i think it was entitled, 'making life changes'...the psychologist moderator boiled it down, 'i'll save you thousands of dollars of therapy money: we usually don't make necessary changes in our lives because of fear: we're afraid of the success/failure continuum and/or we're afraid of being disowned by our friends and family.' this, she explained, is a vestige from when we were kids, when abandonment would mean actual death----adult life changes imply a symbolic death of your prior self....and perhaps entail an actual one, if you choose your change unwisely, of course...
not making a necessary change, i think, amounts to a three-quarters forfeit of self...no?
hits home...speaking of home....house...houses....homes....and the job one most likely needs to finance one...i look at houses and think....why would i sacrifice the remaining 25% of my self to buy a house the way most of them are currently made? living room? dining room? who needs them? seems to me that such 'function' rooms are inheritances from manor homes of british royalty who would've needed them for the practice of royalty's only full-time job: keeping up appearances...which, unfortunately, has tricked down, like everything does, to us plebs, unquestioned.
lawns, i know for a fact, have infiltrated our lives via the same process....hah....and most guys [hey, the word 'mister' was once a title for a landlord-----now, any schmuck is a 'mister'!] take supreme masculine delight in the upkeep of their lawns, even if the mexican immigrants do the actual work ['meeester? meeeeeester?']; perhaps they [american guys] wouldn't if they realized that americans won the right not to, 234 years ago...
so, i close with a visualization of my ideal dwelling...open plan.....efficient...lots of space and tools for tinkering and building and experimenting.....and...barn-like.....
oooooh....sounds expensive....better get cracking on that full-time job, with however much self i have remaining!!!!!
how much self do you have available? where are your self-leaks?
Thursday, April 15, 2010
end of days never ends
my parents were supposed to leave on trip this morning, which they did. i drove them. i had enough time to make the slog from jfk back here to joisey only to find that i had to about face back to jfk.
a spewing volcano in iceland closed the airspace over northern europe!
my parents waited 6 hours to reclaim their checked baggage. i waited for them, awaiting their call in the 'cell phone lot'. like it or not, i was trapped in a car, waiting for the waiters. somehow i feel that there's something about our [cultural, media] world that can only increase the potential of such purgatorial moments for its inhabitants---more interconnectedness=more fragility/volatility. larger, more complex structures=statistically more ways in which things can go 'wrong' [or other than intended]....butterfly wings flapping [though this time in the form of a volcano eruption]
in the end, my mother got her wish: she knew, from the nervous early morning, that something was going to go wrong...now there are some powerful reality-creation skills!
a spewing volcano in iceland closed the airspace over northern europe!
my parents waited 6 hours to reclaim their checked baggage. i waited for them, awaiting their call in the 'cell phone lot'. like it or not, i was trapped in a car, waiting for the waiters. somehow i feel that there's something about our [cultural, media] world that can only increase the potential of such purgatorial moments for its inhabitants---more interconnectedness=more fragility/volatility. larger, more complex structures=statistically more ways in which things can go 'wrong' [or other than intended]....butterfly wings flapping [though this time in the form of a volcano eruption]
in the end, my mother got her wish: she knew, from the nervous early morning, that something was going to go wrong...now there are some powerful reality-creation skills!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
amor fati
hoppin' down the eternal self-improvement trail, i happened upon the most readable and most practical of joseph campbell books: reflections on the art of living: a joseph campbell companion. in need of more art in my living, i cracked the book to find an eloquent voice of sanity...
especially helpful was campbell's retelling of the nietzschian concept of amor fati, translated as 'a love of one's fate/life'...the postmodern equivalent would be, 'it's all good'...that one's life need not be different than it already is...and that anything that might happen to one is for the best, for learning and growth.
the warrior's approach
is to say 'yes' to life:
'yea' to it all.
he cautions against people who need to change others and or 'the world', basically stating that the only real change one can make without forcing someone/something else to fit one's own terms, is one's self...all else is projection. campbell says:
the world is perfect. It's a mess.
it has always been a mess.
we are not going to change it.
our job is to straighten out our own lives.
lately, i've been framing my [seemingly negative] sabbatical experiences and most of the rest of my [seemingly negative] life as amor fati. i feel surges of peace warrior energy, saying 'yea' to everything! this modus operandi alone has done wonders for my relationship with my parents; it dovetails with eknath easwaran's mantram for happiness and service in life and relationships---put others first.
go ahead. call me. ask something ridiculous of me. i just might say 'yes'...
especially helpful was campbell's retelling of the nietzschian concept of amor fati, translated as 'a love of one's fate/life'...the postmodern equivalent would be, 'it's all good'...that one's life need not be different than it already is...and that anything that might happen to one is for the best, for learning and growth.
the warrior's approach
is to say 'yes' to life:
'yea' to it all.
he cautions against people who need to change others and or 'the world', basically stating that the only real change one can make without forcing someone/something else to fit one's own terms, is one's self...all else is projection. campbell says:
the world is perfect. It's a mess.
it has always been a mess.
we are not going to change it.
our job is to straighten out our own lives.
lately, i've been framing my [seemingly negative] sabbatical experiences and most of the rest of my [seemingly negative] life as amor fati. i feel surges of peace warrior energy, saying 'yea' to everything! this modus operandi alone has done wonders for my relationship with my parents; it dovetails with eknath easwaran's mantram for happiness and service in life and relationships---put others first.
go ahead. call me. ask something ridiculous of me. i just might say 'yes'...
Friday, April 2, 2010
first poem: age 7
my grandmother surprised me with this one. she saved a small slip of pink paper for 32 years. on it was one of the first poems that i wrote, age 7.
rain
the rain is raining all around
it falls on field and tree.
it rains on the umbrellas here
and on the ships at sea.
rain
the rain is raining all around
it falls on field and tree.
it rains on the umbrellas here
and on the ships at sea.
teaux jam swan song 1993
recently, during the long drive to and from boston, i had an opportunity to revist a recording of my college band, the teaux jam. years ago when i worked for a dot-com, i burned this 4-song ep onto cd from a dat master. this enabled me to save these songs from total oblivion, rescuing them into a modest, mature obscurity.
we recorded this in 1993----i remember having a severe flu, needing to crash in a blanket pile between takes. it seems self-serving, but now i stand by the adventurous music that those angry, restless, searching, young men made 17 years ago. i'd say that the songs have aged well and sound better now than they did at the time. in fact, what made us anxious about our music [and made others apathetic] was that it didn't really sound like anything else. i'll let you judge...
so i post the four songs here...and in doing so, run a little web experiment of the proverbial tree-falling-in-the-forest variety: how long, if ever, will it take for one of my former bandmates to find this posting after searching for traces of his past? i'll include their names for the sake of the search engines [and to give credit where it's due] the clock starts now...
the lineup:
don hutchison: vocals, trombone, banjo
dan madinabeitia: vocals, keyboards, saxophone
matt robinson: bass
me: drums
1. living in the guest room
2. now
3. mom's bridge club warned me of the real world
4. waitress pop fetish
btw: embedding mp3 audio on this blogger blog was surprisingly convoluted and frustrating!!! after following at least 4 suggestions in vain, i stumbled across this tutorial on youtube which finally worked.
we recorded this in 1993----i remember having a severe flu, needing to crash in a blanket pile between takes. it seems self-serving, but now i stand by the adventurous music that those angry, restless, searching, young men made 17 years ago. i'd say that the songs have aged well and sound better now than they did at the time. in fact, what made us anxious about our music [and made others apathetic] was that it didn't really sound like anything else. i'll let you judge...
so i post the four songs here...and in doing so, run a little web experiment of the proverbial tree-falling-in-the-forest variety: how long, if ever, will it take for one of my former bandmates to find this posting after searching for traces of his past? i'll include their names for the sake of the search engines [and to give credit where it's due] the clock starts now...
the lineup:
don hutchison: vocals, trombone, banjo
dan madinabeitia: vocals, keyboards, saxophone
matt robinson: bass
me: drums
1. living in the guest room
2. now
3. mom's bridge club warned me of the real world
4. waitress pop fetish
btw: embedding mp3 audio on this blogger blog was surprisingly convoluted and frustrating!!! after following at least 4 suggestions in vain, i stumbled across this tutorial on youtube which finally worked.
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