one-fourth self

 We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves in order to be like other people.---Friedrich Nietzsche

so, i'm on a bit of a nietzsche kick....don't worry, shouldn't last long...but his aphorisms explode in my head [like a good aphorism should] and knock down the interwoven rows of dominos in there...

the above aphorism hits, literally, close to home...not even 'close'...it hits home directly, in several ways! carving my initials in the door of middle age while living in my parents' basement after inevitable life crash/bubble burst, i get to witness first hand the assumptions which helped to shape my character----assumptions that are as well-preserved today as they were 38 years ago. in essence, i moved back into the museum of my die cast, where my die was cast.

not in the mood now to air the dirty laundry list here, now, but just tonight when i told my dad, in response to his testy question, that full-time employment for me is a long way off [at least a year] and isn't that desireable anyway, he looked punched in the gut. i kicked him right in the world-view. and this was after i came home from a job interview---really, when dealing with my father, it's almost better not to do anything...then, at least, the potential is very high and has no earth upon which to crash down...

and i wonder where i got that trait from?

in my life, i've expended so much mental energy with the above and many other 'viruses' running and replicating in the background, taking up at least 75% of my being----i think nietzsche had the ratio about right for most of us. at least, meditation has helped me to claim some self back, but the task of self-reclamation is still seemingly impossible...or at least very entropic. perhaps this realization indicates progress on the path?

 last year i took a workshop at kripalu---i think it was entitled, 'making life changes'...the psychologist moderator boiled it down, 'i'll save you thousands of dollars of therapy money: we usually don't make necessary changes in our lives because of fear: we're afraid of the success/failure continuum and/or we're afraid of being disowned by our friends and family.' this, she explained, is a vestige from when we were kids, when abandonment would mean actual death----adult life changes imply a symbolic death of your prior self....and perhaps entail an actual one, if you choose your change unwisely, of course...

not making a necessary change, i think, amounts to a three-quarters forfeit of self...no?

hits home...speaking of home....house...houses....homes....and the job one most likely needs to finance one...i look at houses and think....why would i sacrifice the remaining 25% of my self to buy a house the way most of them are currently made? living room? dining room? who needs them? seems to me that such 'function' rooms are inheritances from manor homes of british royalty who would've needed them for the practice of royalty's only full-time job: keeping up appearances...which, unfortunately, has tricked down, like everything does, to us plebs, unquestioned.

lawns, i know for a fact, have infiltrated our lives via the same process....hah....and most guys [hey, the word 'mister' was once a title for a landlord-----now, any schmuck is a 'mister'!] take supreme masculine delight in the upkeep of their lawns, even if the mexican immigrants do the actual work ['meeester? meeeeeester?']; perhaps they [american guys] wouldn't if they realized that americans won the right not to, 234 years ago...

so, i close with a visualization of my ideal dwelling...open plan.....efficient...lots of space and tools for tinkering and building and experimenting.....and...barn-like.....

oooooh....sounds expensive....better get cracking on that full-time job, with however much self i have remaining!!!!!


how much self do you have available? where are your self-leaks?